2011 review

I would say 2011 wasn't full of my best memories. I would say 2011 was full of lots of heartache, but with heartache comes strength. I learned a lot about myself, a lot about where i need to be, and a lot about what i deserve in life. A year of strengthening must have been needed to prepare me for the times ahead. I wish i could say I'm done with being broken down just to be built back up stronger. I wish i could say I'm done with the heartaches, long cries, and sleepless nights. I wish i could say my life is complete. But it isn't. My life is far from complete. Im 24 and ready to take on the world with the armor I've gathered along this past year. I know who i am. I know what i want. I know where I'm going in life. For the first time i could say I'm on my path and I'm finally happy with it. This year i plan on continuing my life surrounded with my family and friends. I plan on going through the temple to receive my endowments..which i will be able to see my brother and his fiancé get sealed. I am super excited for it!! I also plan on graduating cosmetology school at the end of November. I do have the Goal of bettering myself with my relationships. My mind is more clear. I find even recently i have been able to rid myself of poisonous relationships before they begin. I have also been able to seek out those who i deserve to have in my life. I am ready for 2012. This year is going to be good, i can tell.

Letting my freedom ring.

I am a 23 year old female. I have lived through the ever expanding technology of Computers, and science. I have seen the beauty of the Mountains surround my state, from the comfort of my home nestled in the suburbs of Salt Lake city. I have been able to go to a public school, choose what classes i would like to take, and enjoy attending many school activities. I was also allowed to wear whatever i wanted, to school. I didn't have to fear for my life while walking to school, or take an extra route to avoid a certain part of town. I admit, my school wasn't Top Notch. We rarely made high rankings in our sports. I was lucky enough to go to school though, and so i am Grateful. In the 5 years after being out of public school i have explored my surroundings through choosing whichever job i wanted. I have had the opportunity to choose whichever lifestyle i want. I have seen the best of things, and the worse. I have been able to choose whichever food i feel like eating. I haven't been restricted, or scolded for what i have chosen to do. For all of that, I am Grateful. I have been able to try and attend College, 3 of them to be exact. Not all of them have worked out like i had hoped for, but i was able to CHOOSE to go. I am lucky enough to have been given the opportunity to find my talents in the beauty industry now. For that, i am Grateful. I am not perfect. I am not rich. I won't boast about how hard I've had to work for my money, or boast about what my job does for this country. I am an American. I have been given the opportunity to do whatever i feel like doing. Say, whatever i feel like saying. I am able to disagree, or agree, with certain people, and not be ridiculed, or thrown in jail. Im not the smartest person alive, nor do i try to be. I live my life as i want, because i CAN. If i feel there is a problem, i alter my life as much as i can to satisfy myself to be happier. For every person who wastes away a day of sadness, self pity, or ungratefulness. You loose a day of happiness. As for me, i choose to be HAPPY with what i have.

180 degrees and things are getting hotter

So I've had a lot of changes in my life,: personally made by my choices only. No influences involved by any other mortal here. It all started off when I decided to follow my dreams in a career and enroll in Beauty school. I have been pondering this idea for quite a while but as we all know school can get pricey and Beauty school is even more pricey! So I haven't really jumped into it until now. Well, technically June. I was feeling as if I had been wandering down a path for quite a while and I was ready for something new, challenging, and most of all rewarding. It just so happened to be that at the time I was pondering this idea, my hair stylist had just opened a school in january and was giving away half tuition scholarships. Lucky dog! I looked into it and felt this wonderful feeling come over my body and I said, yes please! So I have been in school for 5 months now and I am LOVING every minute of it!!! After I was settled into the routine of going to beauty school I decided I wanted to continue my education at Salt lake community college and eventually earn my associates in whatever I want when I cross that bridge. So I enrolled in an easy moderate class and got things in order with that and plan on taking two easy classes next semester. By the time I am graduated with cosmetology school I plan on finishing up at Salt lake community college so I am able to have my AS and license hand in hand. Yes "go-getter" would most likely be under my name as well. As far as continuing my education towards a bachelors is up in the air as of right now. I have learned far too many lessons that short term and medium term goals are easier kept than long, long term goals. Who knows what will happen in the next few years, even moreso after those next few years. A lot of options! As far as I'm concerned though, I know I'm on the right track with my education which, is key! Now that I decided to get my butt in gear with my career, I was still feeling a sort of ache from my past pulling at my heart. As much as I felt I was in order with my life, I still had moments of grief, obviously, and depression. It brought me back to the memories I had of all my past heartaches which seemed to lead me to speaking to one of them. I had the opportunity to see them and kind of mull things over in the short amount of time we had together before they left for school in the fall. It was a great opportunity because of what had happened was not only a closing of a chapter that had been long overdue, it was an opening of another chapter which is where I'm at right now. I guess you could say, God slapped me with the Book of Mormon, almost literally. As I was saying goodbye to this person from my past, they gave me a Book of Mormon. I was like, seriously? You just gave me a Book of Mormon?! Not exactly sure of what to say I kind of just took it and was speechless by what had just happened. A few weeks before this incident I had been pondering the idea of possibly looking to go back to church and live the gospel. I remembered what my life was like when I was applying the gospel into my life, and overall I knew I felt happier, and I knew everything felt more connected. I was in denial though. I was into the law of attraction and learning about chakras. I just never felt fully satisfied with the way that path was leading me. So this Book of Mormon wasn't just any book, it had a testimony in it. Not just any testimony, it had my testimony in it. A few years ago I had written my testimony down and sent it to this person while they were serving a mission. I said, "Give this to someone who needs it." Yeah, that's why I was speechless. After looking at this book for days and days I finally decided to try this church thing again. I'm not exactly when or where it was when it clicked, but it clicked. I had decided to start going back to church. I was frightened, mostly by myself. I had made a fool of myself, I was stupid. I knew what would lie ahead of me when I started going back to church. I knew what I would have to go through, as having been through it before. I knew I made a lot of mistakes and felt a tremendous feeling of guilt. I betrayed everything I had, mostly myself and the promises I had made with God. But I still went for it. I knew that somewhere in the future of the path I would be better off than I am now. I knew deeply this was the turning point I needed in my life to fully complete the route I had chosen with my career path. I felt nervous, scared, worried, frightened, guilty, a little excited, and unsure. I didn't know exactly how it would go because of where my mind frame had been the past year or so. I thought I would counter everything that was said, I thought I would smurk at the cheesy things that would be said. I thought I would be wasting my time and that it wouldn't work. I went to church with the lowest of expectations. I was also keeping in on the downlow for a while, I didn't want to let anyone down again. As I walked up the steps and through the doors I had a feeling of comfort rise through my body. I had that feeling you have when you come home after a long vacation. I am sure I had a sense of relief somewhere in there too. It was the homecoming of a family friend, I just went to sacrament because I wasn't sure how id handle the whole thing. It was great. The talk this family friend gave was great. He had a few moments of talking about past members going back. My ears perked up. He said, "it doesn't matter how long someone has been lost, he (Jesus Christ) is always waiting with open arms". I felt a tingle in my heart and chest. Like the feeling when you've been in a dark room and finally find the light switch and turn on the light. Literally, my light was turned on. All the negative I felt going in was instantly wiped away. I did not smurk at the things which were said. I did not counter the gospel that was taught. I took it in. I opened my heart and opened my mind to the things that have been spoken. I have felt so much gratitude for myself, for God, for my family and for those that have been with me through the way. I've been mostly grateful things are not as I thought they would be. It couldn't have been more perfectly. I feel as though my heart is full of joy and happiness. I've found my path, I've gotten over my past, and I'm moving forward with my chin held high. I could blame so many for the events that have lead me to this point. I could recall countless actions that pushed me towards this momen in my life. I'm not going to though. The past is the past. Things do happen for a reason. I have been where I've been to make me stronger now than I was when I was in the moment of where I've been. I could go on and on about how wonderfully great my life is, but I won't. I discovered myself and I'm still learning new things. Life is still rough at times, and I do still have moments of humanity. Its natural. But because of how I'm living my life now, I know will help me in the long run. You can't run a marathon without training before and knowing what the finish line looks like in the end. To run in the moment is based off of the training which made you stronger and the knowledge of what an acomplishment will be like in the end. (Which really, in the marathon of life....there is no end.) ;-)

The hole

She screams, “HELP!! SOMEBODY!!! PLEASE!!”
In a panic she looks up to what seems like a small bright blue circle. Her breathing is fast and unsettled.

“PLEASE!!! SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!” Her voice is weakened from screaming and the feeling that maybe she is too far down and no one can hear her.

She drops to the ground, and holds her head. Tears start to roll down her cheeks. She looks around and all she sees are walls of dirt. She looks at her hands and notices they are covered in dirt, from trying to climb the walls. She wipes the tears from her cheeks-- takes a deep breath -- and tries to stand up. Holding herself against the dirt wall she stumbles and trips over a shovel.

She looks up and around her again, and realizes-- she dug herself here. Stunned in disbelief that she is the cause of being there, panic sets in again.

“NO!! NO!! NO!! NO!!”

“HOW DID I GET HERE?! HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET THIS FAR DOWN?!”

“IM STUCK.”

She drops to the ground-- still in shock -- and stares. Not exactly sure what to do, just stares.

Faintly breathing, she says, “ I’m sorry. I didn’t know I let myself get this far.”
“I’m open. Help me be free from this dark, dark place.”

“Give me guidance and security. Let me know its going to be okay.”
“Let me know IM going to be OKAY.”

Surrendering to herself, Sarah Looks up at the bright blue circle and closes her eyes.

The Monster

I hate you..
Everything about you, I hate.
I hate your face.
I hate your hands, your body, your feet.
I hate it all.
You are a monster.
You ruined everything.
You have no heart.
Monster.
The day you entered my life you killed me.
You took all I had, and killed it.
You ruined me.
I hate you.
My hope-Gone.
My trust- Gone.
My heart-Gone.
My confidence-Gone.
My security-Gone.
My future-Gone.
My imagination-Gone.
Everything I had-Gone.
I am no longer me.
I am a ghost.
I have nothing to live for.
I am dead inside.
There is nothing.
I hate you.
Monster.

You saw I was wounded, you took me in and healed my wounds. You told me great stories of great things. You lead me to believe my life was complete. You told me I could do anything and be anything and that WE would go far. You lead me to believe I would spend the rest of my life with you. You told me I could trust you. You LIED. As Soon as I felt healed. YOU. LIED.

I was thrown back onto the ground I was founded on, my wounds were then re-opened and torn even more. I was tossed so hard I broke into a million pieces. I was back to where I started, but this time…there was no one there to pick me up and heal my wounds. There was no one there to help me put the pieces back together. If there was, I wouldn’t let them try anyways. I trust no one but myself. Even in times of hardship, I often have trouble trusting myself. Can I get back up on my own without falling again? Can I move forward with a single step and not quiver nor trip? Is it possible I can continue on my journey without breaking into a million pieces again? Can I win this fight?

I think am strong. Clearly I need to be stronger. I am weak, and broken. Bruised black and blue until my lungs feel like almost giving up. This storm was a strong one, stronger than any I had been in before. I knew it was going to take a lot to push through it. I had a very, very small ounce of hope that maybe, just maybe there would indeed be a rainbow at the end of this dark, long, journey through this mean and horrible storm.
The only thing keeping me going is the fact that ive pushed through storms before, ive seen rainbows at the end of a dark rainy cloud. I know there is more to my life than sitting on the ground all the time wondering why the hell im still alive.

Everything you did to me will haunt me for the rest of my life. Your lies, your betrayal, and your heartless act- I will forever be haunted by. Because of you I will never be able to trust a single soul to its full potential again. I will never be able to open my heart to another for a really, really long time…if ever. Because of what you did to me-I will forever be haunted by you, monster.

Every time I feel a slight opening of the heart, I hide it. My heart will never open to another again.
The images you burned into my mind will forever haunt my memory. This one single act you put on is the one single act that will change my life for good. I will never, ever, be the same. I will be half dead because you killed most of me. All I can do is try to live half alive.

You are a monster, and you ruined it all.
I hate you.

Something to remember.

The worse thing in life is when you realize you have no where else to go but to face the reality of what you have been dreading the most. Its kind of like someone holding a mirror up to your face when you have a huge nasty zit the size of mars. Well, world, i appreciate the kind gesture that i have a huge ugly zit i need to face, but i really dont want to do this.

Last night i was talking to a friend, and i was starting to break down into a "poor me" phase of how my life sucks and blah, blah, blah. When, suddenly, it hit me like a bug in the eye going down the freeway on a fast motorcycle with-out a helmet on. I realized, I lost my grasp of ME. I dont know where i went, but im not here. I dont know who i am, or where im going. I am LOST. At first i was in denial. Did i really loose myself in 3 months of being with another person?? No...REALLY?!
Ugh. Sigh. GRRRR! Stupid!

So then, i was facing the fact that i am now going to have to re-find myself AGAIN! I was fine 3 months ago. I knew who i was, what i wanted out of life, and where i was going. It didnt matter what kind of bug, or zit, came my way. I was ready to take on the world, with my helmet and shoulder pads on, of course. Life has an interesting way of saying, "Well, Sarah, Thats awesome you feel that way. Now, Im going to throw a few obstacles in your way and see how you can take them!"

BAM! She is DOWN!!!!
Thanks life.

Well, now i guess i better get back up to find myself again. This time i hope life doesnt make it too hard again. Im loosing hope that i can be stronger, im getting older too so my energy is lower than it use to be. The best part about this is, Its not the first time ive been knocked down. I've obviously survived bee stings, elbow and knee scratches, fights with my brother, and my first taste of beer. This is NOTHING! I can do it, i know im in there somewhere. I just gotta figure out how to find ME again.

Gone

So cold as ice, my tears freeze my cheek as they roll down my face.
My heart barely beats, Thump......thump.....thump...
I breath slowly as if i was trying to hide from something.
I close my eyes and try to think of nothing.
But all i can see is your face..lingering in my mind.
Darkness behind you, as if you were a stranger.
But you were all i ever knew.
I open my eyes to make the image disappear as much as i can.
I touch my chest.
The pain is too much to bare.
Id rather rip my heart out than to feel the pain i feel.
I try to live, and move on.
When i sit in a room full of people i still feel alone.
As if im not even really there.
Just a shadow in the darkness.
Each day i think im getting closer to being over.
But each day brings memories of how we planned to be together.
Trust. What is trust?
I can trust no one.
I am ruined for the rest of my life.
I will be haunted by your memory forever.
Someone find me, and save me from this pain i feel.
I just want to lay here for forever so i will never fall again.