A conversation with God.

Me: Lord, please help me to be stronger, and to make better choices. Please help me to become the person that you need me to be.

God: Alright. Thy will be done, So long as you are prepared.

This is the part where I ask for something and I don't see the answer to the prayer until after I've had to take my piece of humble pie off the table of humility. I know that what I'm currently going through is a definite struggle, but after some recollection of what I've prayed about in the past, I can now see where I missed the conversation. I'm not saying that I don't keep my heart open because then I wouldn't be learning anything. I just think I have an idea of what I might want to hear, so I miss the actual answer. Or when I receive an answer, I sometimes get a funny look on my face and think
"uh...are you sure about that?"

After I miss the answer, or I just don't figure it out as quickly this is usually how it goes..

Me: Lord, my trials are getting hard. My burdens are heavy. I am not sure how much more I can take. I am feeling weak. Father, help me through this struggle.

God: My child, I am here for you, never forget. You asked me to make you stronger. The burdens may be heavy, but they will build you stronger and help you when you need to be your strongest. Hold onto the rod. Do not forget that this is all to better you. I know who you are, and who you are to become. Keep enduring, the fog will clear so long as you keep your faith in my hands.

I know trials are what builds faith and character. Without them, we wouldn't be able to move forward. We wouldn't learn and become better. If we were handed everything and never had a trial to face, or a leap to take, there would not be a plan of salvation. We would not have a Gospel to live by. We would not be here. God gave us the earth to learn, to progress, and to become the spiritual beings he intended on us becoming. He has a plan, included in his plan are trials because we need them to learn and to find out the truth of the Gospel and most of all, to build our relationship with our Heavenly Father so that it becomes so strong that the adversary trembles at the sight because he knows that bond cannot be broken once eternal salvation is reached.

I am often praying to the Lord to help me become better. I know I have my flaws and I know I can always improve on what I choose to do with my time. I'm no where near perfect and I know my perfection will only start to show through when I get to the other side. Sometimes I get so caught up in the world I tend to forget that I have prayed for help to become better, and then I feel bad because I know that I can pray as much as I want and the Lord hears my prayers and I know he wants to answer them and he wants to help me, but the problem is that I'm not doing anything on my part to make this happen. So I am trying.

For once the focus is on: ME

Dear, You know who you are, I am not who I use to be. I have changed my life from when you knew me. I am not that person. You may think of me in such way, don't. Forget that person. That person is gone, they have been shed. I am a newer, better, more reformed person. I am a beautiful daughter of a Heavenly King. I am not innocent, I have learned. I am not perfect, nor to I intend on being. I have moved toward great works. I have decided that for once, I put the focus on ME. I am no longer surrounded around you. I no longer think about you the way you think I do.
I do not expect you in my life anymore, for you have walked away. I cannot change the things that have happened, but i can change my outlook on life. You are still living in this world where you think I am still trying to be in, well I am not. You can let that idea go, because I'm gone. Im done trying to fix things. Im done trying to make it better. I'm done focusing on you.
Because you are no longer in my life, i have seen things more clearly. I can breath. I know my future will be better, it will be free, free from you. This is my final "goodbye" although there is nothing to wish upon a goodness of saying bye to you. Farewell, only because i believe in karma.
May the wind be in your face, so sand will get in places you never knew existed. The sun in your eyes, so you will squint and get wrinkles faster. And May the rain fall upon your nicely kept suit, just because i think that would be funny. I wish a farewell upon your departure. My heart releases all of everything you meant to me, only to make room for someone who deserves it. I hope the door smashes your head on the way out, maybe it will pop it back to a normal humble size. Sincerely, The girl you never had, and will never see.

D&C 39:7-9

I have been thinking about blogging lately. I usually have these ideas pop up in my head, and i say, "That would be a good thing to blog about" and then i continue on with my day. So i do have the intention of blogging more, my time just puts a little pause on that intent. Oh boy!!! I am a new and improved woman!! I went through the Draper temple yesterday, to receive my endowments! YES! It happened, and i couldn't be happier. I feel like my entire life has finally landed on the right path. I have always loved the Church, the Gospel has been a roller coaster in my life though. I had to find out for myself if the Gospel was true. I can now say with a profound solid stance in my heart and mind that The Gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints IS the TRUE gospel that was restored by Joseph Smith. I know that God has a marvelous work and glory in store for me. Because of the choices i made yesterday, i can feel the love of my Savior in my heart. I know that i am on the right path to receiving the benefits of living my life according to the doctrines of God. I have never felt the spirit of my Heavenly father so strongly before. There is no doubt in my mind that i will be in the Celestial Kingdom with my friends and family. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is the bind needed on the books of life. There cannot be a single book that holds together without a binding. And adding the Gospel to ones life will do that, it is a Binding agent that can be applied and will hold a life together. It has taken me a while to figure this out, but now that i have, i feel free! There have been many people in my life that have thrown doubts at me, they have said i would never make it. They have even warned others of who i was. There is one thing i can tell you from that, I am no longer THAT person. I have become a better, stronger, more spiritual Sarah. I cannot change the choices i have made in my past. I choose to live in the future and to move forward with faith. I keep my testimony close to me, i keep it strong too. If there is a soul out there who needs to hear it, i will tell it. I will not lower myself to help someone who thinks they are better than me. I have come to realize that I need to stop trying to figure out my future. I am like that little kid on christmas who tries to find all the presents. Of which, i have actually done, it ended in disappointment because i knew what i was getting, so it was no longer fun. I am not saying that if i knew what my future held, it would not be fun...but if i knew, there would be no point in being here on earth. I cannot control what happens to me, but i can control where i go. I know that as long as i am going in the right direction, Heavenly Father will bless my life with what happens to me.

The title of this post has to do with what happened to me on Sunday, during sacrament. I was sitting there, and usually i just stare at the backs of peoples heads and think about what i would do to make it look better, but this time..i whipped out my phone and selected the scriptures D&C. I slid my finger up and down the screen a few times, fast enough that i couldn't see what the chapters were, then i just hit the screen with my finger and this was the chapter i landed on.

Cool huh?! Another sure sign, that this is the true Gospel!!!

180 degrees and things are getting hotter

So I've had a lot of changes in my life,: personally made by my choices only. No influences involved by any other mortal here. It all started off when I decided to follow my dreams in a career and enroll in Beauty school. I have been pondering this idea for quite a while but as we all know school can get pricey and Beauty school is even more pricey! So I haven't really jumped into it until now. Well, technically June. I was feeling as if I had been wandering down a path for quite a while and I was ready for something new, challenging, and most of all rewarding. It just so happened to be that at the time I was pondering this idea, my hair stylist had just opened a school in january and was giving away half tuition scholarships. Lucky dog! I looked into it and felt this wonderful feeling come over my body and I said, yes please! So I have been in school for 5 months now and I am LOVING every minute of it!!! After I was settled into the routine of going to beauty school I decided I wanted to continue my education at Salt lake community college and eventually earn my associates in whatever I want when I cross that bridge. So I enrolled in an easy moderate class and got things in order with that and plan on taking two easy classes next semester. By the time I am graduated with cosmetology school I plan on finishing up at Salt lake community college so I am able to have my AS and license hand in hand. Yes "go-getter" would most likely be under my name as well. As far as continuing my education towards a bachelors is up in the air as of right now. I have learned far too many lessons that short term and medium term goals are easier kept than long, long term goals. Who knows what will happen in the next few years, even moreso after those next few years. A lot of options! As far as I'm concerned though, I know I'm on the right track with my education which, is key! Now that I decided to get my butt in gear with my career, I was still feeling a sort of ache from my past pulling at my heart. As much as I felt I was in order with my life, I still had moments of grief, obviously, and depression. It brought me back to the memories I had of all my past heartaches which seemed to lead me to speaking to one of them. I had the opportunity to see them and kind of mull things over in the short amount of time we had together before they left for school in the fall. It was a great opportunity because of what had happened was not only a closing of a chapter that had been long overdue, it was an opening of another chapter which is where I'm at right now. I guess you could say, God slapped me with the Book of Mormon, almost literally. As I was saying goodbye to this person from my past, they gave me a Book of Mormon. I was like, seriously? You just gave me a Book of Mormon?! Not exactly sure of what to say I kind of just took it and was speechless by what had just happened. A few weeks before this incident I had been pondering the idea of possibly looking to go back to church and live the gospel. I remembered what my life was like when I was applying the gospel into my life, and overall I knew I felt happier, and I knew everything felt more connected. I was in denial though. I was into the law of attraction and learning about chakras. I just never felt fully satisfied with the way that path was leading me. So this Book of Mormon wasn't just any book, it had a testimony in it. Not just any testimony, it had my testimony in it. A few years ago I had written my testimony down and sent it to this person while they were serving a mission. I said, "Give this to someone who needs it." Yeah, that's why I was speechless. After looking at this book for days and days I finally decided to try this church thing again. I'm not exactly when or where it was when it clicked, but it clicked. I had decided to start going back to church. I was frightened, mostly by myself. I had made a fool of myself, I was stupid. I knew what would lie ahead of me when I started going back to church. I knew what I would have to go through, as having been through it before. I knew I made a lot of mistakes and felt a tremendous feeling of guilt. I betrayed everything I had, mostly myself and the promises I had made with God. But I still went for it. I knew that somewhere in the future of the path I would be better off than I am now. I knew deeply this was the turning point I needed in my life to fully complete the route I had chosen with my career path. I felt nervous, scared, worried, frightened, guilty, a little excited, and unsure. I didn't know exactly how it would go because of where my mind frame had been the past year or so. I thought I would counter everything that was said, I thought I would smurk at the cheesy things that would be said. I thought I would be wasting my time and that it wouldn't work. I went to church with the lowest of expectations. I was also keeping in on the downlow for a while, I didn't want to let anyone down again. As I walked up the steps and through the doors I had a feeling of comfort rise through my body. I had that feeling you have when you come home after a long vacation. I am sure I had a sense of relief somewhere in there too. It was the homecoming of a family friend, I just went to sacrament because I wasn't sure how id handle the whole thing. It was great. The talk this family friend gave was great. He had a few moments of talking about past members going back. My ears perked up. He said, "it doesn't matter how long someone has been lost, he (Jesus Christ) is always waiting with open arms". I felt a tingle in my heart and chest. Like the feeling when you've been in a dark room and finally find the light switch and turn on the light. Literally, my light was turned on. All the negative I felt going in was instantly wiped away. I did not smurk at the things which were said. I did not counter the gospel that was taught. I took it in. I opened my heart and opened my mind to the things that have been spoken. I have felt so much gratitude for myself, for God, for my family and for those that have been with me through the way. I've been mostly grateful things are not as I thought they would be. It couldn't have been more perfectly. I feel as though my heart is full of joy and happiness. I've found my path, I've gotten over my past, and I'm moving forward with my chin held high. I could blame so many for the events that have lead me to this point. I could recall countless actions that pushed me towards this momen in my life. I'm not going to though. The past is the past. Things do happen for a reason. I have been where I've been to make me stronger now than I was when I was in the moment of where I've been. I could go on and on about how wonderfully great my life is, but I won't. I discovered myself and I'm still learning new things. Life is still rough at times, and I do still have moments of humanity. Its natural. But because of how I'm living my life now, I know will help me in the long run. You can't run a marathon without training before and knowing what the finish line looks like in the end. To run in the moment is based off of the training which made you stronger and the knowledge of what an acomplishment will be like in the end. (Which really, in the marathon of life....there is no end.) ;-)