A conversation with God.

Me: Lord, please help me to be stronger, and to make better choices. Please help me to become the person that you need me to be.

God: Alright. Thy will be done, So long as you are prepared.

This is the part where I ask for something and I don't see the answer to the prayer until after I've had to take my piece of humble pie off the table of humility. I know that what I'm currently going through is a definite struggle, but after some recollection of what I've prayed about in the past, I can now see where I missed the conversation. I'm not saying that I don't keep my heart open because then I wouldn't be learning anything. I just think I have an idea of what I might want to hear, so I miss the actual answer. Or when I receive an answer, I sometimes get a funny look on my face and think
"uh...are you sure about that?"

After I miss the answer, or I just don't figure it out as quickly this is usually how it goes..

Me: Lord, my trials are getting hard. My burdens are heavy. I am not sure how much more I can take. I am feeling weak. Father, help me through this struggle.

God: My child, I am here for you, never forget. You asked me to make you stronger. The burdens may be heavy, but they will build you stronger and help you when you need to be your strongest. Hold onto the rod. Do not forget that this is all to better you. I know who you are, and who you are to become. Keep enduring, the fog will clear so long as you keep your faith in my hands.

I know trials are what builds faith and character. Without them, we wouldn't be able to move forward. We wouldn't learn and become better. If we were handed everything and never had a trial to face, or a leap to take, there would not be a plan of salvation. We would not have a Gospel to live by. We would not be here. God gave us the earth to learn, to progress, and to become the spiritual beings he intended on us becoming. He has a plan, included in his plan are trials because we need them to learn and to find out the truth of the Gospel and most of all, to build our relationship with our Heavenly Father so that it becomes so strong that the adversary trembles at the sight because he knows that bond cannot be broken once eternal salvation is reached.

I am often praying to the Lord to help me become better. I know I have my flaws and I know I can always improve on what I choose to do with my time. I'm no where near perfect and I know my perfection will only start to show through when I get to the other side. Sometimes I get so caught up in the world I tend to forget that I have prayed for help to become better, and then I feel bad because I know that I can pray as much as I want and the Lord hears my prayers and I know he wants to answer them and he wants to help me, but the problem is that I'm not doing anything on my part to make this happen. So I am trying.

Past, future, present-tense.

So many times do I hear, "You must stop living in your past, and move on." Well, this is true, to a sense. I believe that in order for one to live in the future, you must refer to your past. Just like when you have learned something in school, or in a certain situation, you use what you have learned in your past, and apply it to what you are doing now.


I never reside in my past, I just use it to help me with my present, and sometimes even my future. I wouldn't say my life has been above average in the department of "Life lessons" but everyone is different. We are all here on this earth to live our lives according to how we believe it should be lived. Well, we don't really know how to do that unless we have trials and errors. There is really no other way. A child will never learn that a stove is hot when its on, unless they learn first-hand, which is usually by an error of accidentally touching the stove.


I have made many "errors" in my past, and I would like to think I am learning from them. I could list the many, many things I would like to have changed, however, they are all for a purpose. Those errors have brought me to where I am at today. The hard part is, my life isn't perfect, at least not yet. I am trying though. I do believe that because of the choices I made before, I am able to steer clear of repeating those unwise decisions in my life now. Sometimes if I find myself in a situation that I feel I have been in before, I am able to refer back to my past and remember what happened, how I felt, and what I learned in order to make it better, and to move forward in a positive way.


Through my colorful past, I would say it has built me stronger than ever. I am able to make wise decisions, and KNOW what I truly deserve. When I was freshly graduated, I was just entering the world. I had NO idea where I was really going, and what I really wanted in life. I barely knew who I was. I had different values, and different views on life itself. Being so young, I didn't know how hard life really was. I am so grateful I have been able to discover myself through all of my trials and errors. I am very different from the person I was 6 years ago. I am better. I have my feet grounded, and my head firm on my shoulders. Im not perfect, nor do I think I am. I am better than I was 6 years ago, though.


I have a plan. I know who I want to be. I know who and what I deserve to have in my life. I won't settle for less than what I deserve. The biggest life lesson I seem to have learned so far is, "No man is worth your tears unless they are tears of joy as you are staring into his eyes when you are getting sealed for eternity, or when he has helped you create the beauty of a family."

For once the focus is on: ME

Dear, You know who you are, I am not who I use to be. I have changed my life from when you knew me. I am not that person. You may think of me in such way, don't. Forget that person. That person is gone, they have been shed. I am a newer, better, more reformed person. I am a beautiful daughter of a Heavenly King. I am not innocent, I have learned. I am not perfect, nor to I intend on being. I have moved toward great works. I have decided that for once, I put the focus on ME. I am no longer surrounded around you. I no longer think about you the way you think I do.
I do not expect you in my life anymore, for you have walked away. I cannot change the things that have happened, but i can change my outlook on life. You are still living in this world where you think I am still trying to be in, well I am not. You can let that idea go, because I'm gone. Im done trying to fix things. Im done trying to make it better. I'm done focusing on you.
Because you are no longer in my life, i have seen things more clearly. I can breath. I know my future will be better, it will be free, free from you. This is my final "goodbye" although there is nothing to wish upon a goodness of saying bye to you. Farewell, only because i believe in karma.
May the wind be in your face, so sand will get in places you never knew existed. The sun in your eyes, so you will squint and get wrinkles faster. And May the rain fall upon your nicely kept suit, just because i think that would be funny. I wish a farewell upon your departure. My heart releases all of everything you meant to me, only to make room for someone who deserves it. I hope the door smashes your head on the way out, maybe it will pop it back to a normal humble size. Sincerely, The girl you never had, and will never see.

2011 review

I would say 2011 wasn't full of my best memories. I would say 2011 was full of lots of heartache, but with heartache comes strength. I learned a lot about myself, a lot about where i need to be, and a lot about what i deserve in life. A year of strengthening must have been needed to prepare me for the times ahead. I wish i could say I'm done with being broken down just to be built back up stronger. I wish i could say I'm done with the heartaches, long cries, and sleepless nights. I wish i could say my life is complete. But it isn't. My life is far from complete. Im 24 and ready to take on the world with the armor I've gathered along this past year. I know who i am. I know what i want. I know where I'm going in life. For the first time i could say I'm on my path and I'm finally happy with it. This year i plan on continuing my life surrounded with my family and friends. I plan on going through the temple to receive my endowments..which i will be able to see my brother and his fiancé get sealed. I am super excited for it!! I also plan on graduating cosmetology school at the end of November. I do have the Goal of bettering myself with my relationships. My mind is more clear. I find even recently i have been able to rid myself of poisonous relationships before they begin. I have also been able to seek out those who i deserve to have in my life. I am ready for 2012. This year is going to be good, i can tell.

Perfect world.

In a perfect world...

We would all be free of financial obligations.
No one would draw lines of whose right, and whose wrong.
Peace and love and happiness would no longer be just a saying.
The sun would shine all day, the stars would glow all night.

In a perfect world....

Religion wouldnt be the answer, because there would be no wrong.
Everyone would accept everyone for who they are, and love unconditionally.
Wealth would be more popular.
Not a single soul would go to bed hungry.

In a perfect world...

Money would be the last thing on everyone's mind.
Loving the same sex would be accepted, because love, is love.
The latest trends would go unnoticed because we would all be perfect, in a perfect world.
Being perfect wouldnt mean to have botox, a hot tan, or a big label on your clothing.

In a perfect world...

We would all get a long.
Guns would sit on the shelf gathering dust.
The air would be clean, and plants would live.
Families would have their sons, daughters, husbands, wives, fathers and mothers home, because they are not needed for war.

The Dreamcatcher

Sitting here on the edge, i look down upon all the little lights glittering below my toes. I am on the top of the world, with only a cup of wisdom in my hand. I can do anything i want. But what? I ask this question every day. Every second. WHAT TO DO?
I have the world at my feet and all i do is sit there and gaze. Being a Sagittarius, i change my mind a lot. I am okay with this though. I like to experience new things, and have new ideas flutter across my mind.

A Little girl sits in class learning about "Growing up", the teacher passes out a piece of paper explaining to think about what they want to be when they "Grow Up" and to write it down, and draw a picture of themselves in that profession. The little girls mind goes wild. She often dreams of being a ballet dancer, but also wants to be a mom, and then creates an entire life with here little mind. She smiles and draws a picture of her holding a baby wearing a ballet tutu. Soon enough the little girl "Grows up" and realizes its nearly impossible to live off of dancing in ballet, gets a full-time minimum wadge job and tosses the dream she once had in the trash. She also realizes that babies are by no means easy, and puts that dream in the back of her mind.

Why cant life be as simple as writing down what we dream and drawing a picture and having it come to life?

Well, as i was before, I will sit with the world twinkling at my toes listening to Bob Marley, and holding the cup of wisdom and dream my dream of what i want to be when i "Grow Up".